Every day most of  us check the newspaper or a quick glimpse of the nightly news to see what bank has failed or if perhaps there is even a glimmer of hope that the world economy is ready for a recovery.  But the circus act that is American politics and news usually gets in the way of any decent information.  Typically you have to sift through Lindsay Lohan’s latest fall further into anonymity, at least one Conservative per day calling Obama a socialist without any clue what the word means, and of course what happened on, or will be happening on Lost this week.  Its all really quite exhausting.

Unfortunately, through all of this, the only subject that seems to span every demographic, every newspaper, and every TV station regardless if it involves politics, celebrity gossip, local news, or sports, is the whole, “They’ve been speculated to be gay, but have yet to confirm or deny the claim.”

I call it, The Gaydar Olympics.

At this time, though I think he’s lost a step in the past year I’d like to invoke a new section on Perfectly Turbulent inspired by Bill Maher. Its called New Rules

Today’s New Rule:  Speculating whether someone may or may not be gay IS NOT NEWS.

Find Out Who The Most Recent Gaydar Contestant Is…
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So I’m minding my own business at home this morning making a new concoction for breakfast. I decided to go with a two fried egg sandwich, with chedder cheese, salami, and a peanut butter spread.  It was the first time trying salami with peanut butter so I was excited to devour my creation (thumbs up).  I saunter into the living room for my five minutes of eating and throw on the television just to hear some noise in the room.

The first thing I see is Maury Povich and some dude crying about how he has to tell his daughter she might not be his, I groan and move on, searching for a headline of interest.  Then I see something interesting,

“Privileged Woman Gather at Michael Kors Event To Discuss How The Recession Has Impacted Their Shopping”

This is why I don’t turn on the TV unless I have some specific to watch.  Too many ways to be reminded of how messed up some people are.

The entire Michael Kors event, granted, is a great move by Kors.  Invite all of these Sex and the City sheep out for a “discussion on the economy” and make sure they leave with six new outfits in the meatime.  So I can’t blame Kors, well played Sir.

But one of the women they interviewed was a piece of work, so I’m assuming she was the easy favourite to feature on screen.  She is the type of woman who likely has children at home being raised by a team of eastern European nannies because at one point in her life she believed having a baby would be the perfect accessory, or perhaps all of her friends had “one” and she wanted one too. Oh those Joneses, so hard to keep up with sometimes.

This fashionista went on to tell everyone watching at home how much she just loves fashion and how devastated she’s been with this economy oh please, please tell us how you’ve suffered.

Her husband, she whines, has decided to keep her under house arrest and no longer allows her to fly to Paris anymore for shopping trips. What a Monster that man must be. But she just claims to love fashion so much that this economy has been tough on her, that its been so difficult to not go out and buy more because of the limits her husband has put on her lately.

But to her credit she is trying to come up with ideas to make it possible for her to shop more, “I think maybe my husband will just have to do another deal soon.”  What a problem solver

Thankfully the female reporter had enough balls to suggest another course of action, “Or maybe you could go get yourself a job?”  The look of disgust on that botoxed face was priceless.

For those of you that are religious I’d appreciate it you started lighting candles and praying for her husband.

Easter weekend, a time in which we all get together with our loved ones to gorge ourselves on copious amounts of food, or at least that’s how it is in my family. Everyone gathers at someone’s home and an enormous feast is prepared. We all eat until either the food is gone or everyone is a few belt holes looser. The latter scenario is always the undisputed victor.

The Italian Easter feast is a tradition much older than I, but just as important in my family is the trip to Easter Sunday mass. Even when I went to church, umm, religiously, I found Easter and Christmas services to be absolutely hilarious in the parishioners’ scramble for salvation.

On Easter Sunday the “faithful” suddenly grow to 10x the church’s regular attendance, where often there are people standing outside chatting with one another like they’re at a coffee shop or rock concert. These are the people that would likely opt for a sermon podcast and delivery of the Eucharist to their door ala Meals On Wheels, if only the Pope would allow it.

Catholicism really seems to be the religion of choice for your extra lazy, “phone it in”, “just in case” Christians. Are these Catholics trying fool god?  If these people were employees they would have been fired before their probation period was completed.

For the last several years, the last place you could ever expect to find me is in church. I might venture in a few times per year, just to make sure it remains just as silly as I remember, one of these trips is always at Easter to appease my parents that I attend with the family.

My question, When did going to church become a unifying and family bonding event?

It’s my opinion that most families, and likely all children, dislike going to church. Most people, if religious guilt was not in play, would never attend church, ever. It is something everyone feels they have to do, or, blah blah blah, damnation, burning inferno, eternal suffering, yada yada yada. You get the point.

As I recall from my childhood, there were plenty of Sundays that went like this,

“Michael, we’re going to church in an hour, get ready”
“No, I don’t want to go, its sooooooooo boring, and sooo long. Can’t I stay home?”
“No you can’t, going to church will make you a better person. God is watching you”
“So can’t I just pray from home if god is watching”
“No, and don’t get smart. You’re coming to church”
“NO! I’m not coming”
“If you don’t come you’re grounded for a week”
“Fine!” (insert stomping, door slamming, and mumbled swearing)

After arriving in church, myself, my parents, and my brother would all sit in silence for what seemed like eternity and tried our best to not fall asleep (with my father losing the majority of these battles).

This hardly sounds like a healthy family outing to me, unless you are borrowing from the school of thought that misery loves company. Church as an enjoyable family experience is comparable to renting a movie nobody likes and forcing everyone to sit through the entire thing, every week. The down side is that movies are typically longer, but the upside is that you can wear your boxers, lie on the couch, and take periodic bathroom breaks.

I just wish people were more honest with their reasons for attending church twice a year and yet still referring to themselves as practising Catholics. Either you follow your religion, or you don’t. Its as simple as that. Don’t skip out on the regular season and show up for Championship. I’m just looking for some consistency. Simply tells us you attend mass twice a year because you’re scared you’ll burn in hell if you don’t, OR even worse, you’re scared you won’t be invited for Easter Dinner.

With that being said, surprisingly, I still look forward to Easter Sunday.  Aside from mass, the Easter holiday gives us a reason to get together, have a nice meal, and just enjoy one another’s company as a family without being guilted into attendance… well, usually.