And it is in fact reality that screams in our faces to pay attention to the world around us, the people around us, and not merely let the days we have continually appear in our rear view mirrors.

Personally, I struggle with this. As I sometimes find myself focusing on the future, I forget to be an active participant in my own present.

A good friend of mine, wiser than she recognizes, once wrote about herself:

The consciousness of my own mortality often prevents me from performing menial tasks.

The profound simplicity and naked truth of this sentence always impresses me. At first glance this may look as if it were written by someone who acts as voyeur in this life, but quite the opposite. In my opinion, when you come to truly appreciate the beauty of the life we all have, only the thought of your own mortality can slow you down.

But how do we pay more attention?

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

—Ferris Bueller

This is the trick, learning to look around once and a while. I don’t practice this enough, but several years ago a good friend taught me a lesson in life awareness that I truly believe every should practice…

How To Walk Like A Macedonian

In 2005 I was transferred from my position in Toronto to work and live in London, England.  During my stay I was fortunate enough to meet a co-worker who would become a lifelong friend (for this story lets call him Vlad).

While in London my working hours ran from noon to 8pm.  As there were only two of us that had been transplanted from foreign soil we were essentially forced to either hang out together or function as an island.  Luckily we hit it off.

Most evenings after work began the same way.  Vlad and I would exit the office at Cavendish Square, walk to Oxford Circus, and decide which way to go look for dinner. From Oxford Circus we’d wander around central London like two vagabonds discussing everything from politics, to relationships, to our careers (or “jobs” as it were) and back. No topic seemed out of bounds and neither side feared debate. And realistically our sole qualifiers for a venue to eat at (from my memory) was that it was new, or that it was pizza we could carry to the arcade.  Yes, simple times.

Oxford Circus

By the end of the first month, Vlad and I were beginning to function like two old friends that had known one another for years. So one night as I began my always quick paced walk into the night, I heard Vlad behind me say, (this next part will all be paraphrased as it has been 5 years so cut me some lack would ya).

“Mike, where the hell are you rushing to? Every night we leave the office and you nearly start sprinting forward to nowhere. I’m tired of keeping up for no good reason.  I think it’s time I taught you to walk like a Macedonian.”

“That sounds great Vlad, but I don’t know if I can drag my knuckles.” (I didn’t say this at all, but it would have been hilarious it I did.)

Vlad began to discuss with me how, as he would sit in the town square in Macedonia he would watch the old men walk with their friends; Slowly, peacefully, with no where particularly  to go.  Vlad said that they seemed at ease and that as he tried it he noticed a big difference in his own perspective as well… so what the hell, I gave it a shot. Its not like I had anything else to do.

Vlad and I began our almost nightly walk through Leicester Square at a pace that made turtles look at us and say, “Right on my brothas, right on.”

No agenda. No place to be, and no direction was the right direction.

This exercise was much more difficult than I anticipated. To walk with purpose and direction is simple. You move forward swiftly, with your head up and prepared to dodge and move. In London that also means to watch you do not take an umbrella in the retina.

Vlad had me slow down so that each step would almost fall into the other, like a graceful stumble, with no further purpose but to stay erect(insert childish laugh) and edge forward.

To walk like a Macedonian takes skill and the ability to relax, to disconnect, which at most times I do not possess.  But as I began to walk lock and step with Vlad I found some amazing changes begin to take place.  My breathing slowed, my muscles relaxed, and for the first time since I had landed in the UK… I could see.

I mean reeeaally see.

Even when I had gone sightseeing on my own during the weekends I found myself on a mission, a mission to see the city of London.

Ipod- Check

Camera- Check

Wallet- Check

Map-Check

Mission is a go.

Deploy to tube station and commence sightseeing…GO! GO! GO!

Even when I was relaxing I was rushing, but not this time.

As I strolled through Leicester square I WAS in the moment.

I could see the pedestrian approaching, not as an obstacle on my path, but as a person living their life in the same space as mine.

During this walk I remember laughing as if someone had told me a joke, because truthfully, the joke had been my speed walking to nowhere mentality, and the punchline was what I had been missing.

Sometimes we have to force ourselves to look around, because it’s not about what’s in front of us, it’s about what is around us, and who we surround ourselves with, be it, friend, family, or stranger. It was a beautiful experience.

Please allow me to be clear on something, I am not saying I walk like a Macedonian full-time now, hell, I’d never get anywhere, but I make sure that every so often I slow myself down so to fully acknowledge where I am.

Several times I have been walking with a friend who would be speed walking to nowhere and I’d spend ten minutes telling them the story of Vlad and teaching them, no matter how long it takes, how to walk like a Macedonian.

Now should I ever catch myself running through life, looking ahead without knowing where my feet are, I am thankful for the gift of the Macedonian Walk, and the gift Vlad gave me that will surely last a lifetime.

Life may not be as long as we would prefer, but if we are able to breathe in the moments we cherish in all their glory, just maybe we can make the memories last a lifetime.

It’s my belief that we can only grasp a situation fully if we have the mental capacity to form the thoughts and the words around the presented concepts, otherwise we pull from what limited information we have and often make poor judgments.  Language also allows us to engage in semantic arguments with ourselves for the purpose of rationalization.  When we wish to save ourselves from the truth of a matter we use words as a cushion to sometimes avoid pain and reality.

One popular saying that gets tossed around like the Olsen twins in a wind storm is the, “I love her/him but I am not IN love with her/him”

Ridiculous.

This saying has recently come to mind because I heard a girl describe her current relationship in this fashion and then went even further to add, “I mean, I know I love him, I just can’t feel it”.  I really felt bad for this person as this is obviously a stressful subject in her life at the moment, but I did nearly laugh out loud at the latter comment.  It just amazes me at how often we (myself included) speak without even listening to what we’re saying at times.  No one is immune to the autopilot mouth syndrome but when it comes to love and relationships, the rationalization factor can reach the stratosphere.

If we really break it down, what is the difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone?  When you take the time to think about it, a completely different conversation must begin regarding the categorization of love, or perhaps the different stages. In any case, it would certainly result in a better working definition than the juxtaposition of  love, and IN love.

The word love itself has become diluted into a million categories for the purpose of defining language and our emotions. Platonic love, friendship love, family love, brotherly love, the love for an object or a feeling, the love for a song, and my personal favourite… ‘Luv’, the granddaddy of semantic love.  You will see people substitute “from” at the end of letters with ‘Luv’ to heroically take that imaginary defining step between “from” and “Luv.”  Our varieties of definitive love become a way for us to show affection without having to step too far out of our comfort zone.

But within language lies rationalization. Nobody wants to face the truth until there is no other option. No one wants to admit that they are in a relationship with a girl they love like their sister or mother because that’s not an acceptable thought; especially when you come to realize that and you have to get into bed with the person later that evening (Calling Dr. Freud, Dr. Freud to the office please).  So it’s merely easier to say, well “I really do love her, I’m just not IN love with her”.

Love has so many faces and facets that it has been twisted to fit into more situations than two acrobats from Cirque du Soleil working their way through the Kama sutra.

I’ve had a past relationship that was overflowing with rationalization, even from before we became exclusive there were so many red flags and warning signs.  Friends and I still recall all the cons that were associated with this girl pre-relationship, but since she was always around, she was “nice enough” and I felt it was time to grow up (whatever that means) and get a girlfriend, voila King Rationalization.  Even after a year when I was very unhappy and tried to end things, she lobbied the court to keep the relationship going and again I said to myself, “Self, she’s a nice girl and she’s probably right, you’re probably just scared of commitment. Be a man (whatever that means) and stick it out” Three years and a messy whirlwind breakup later, we were both forced to face the harsh realities we had been running from through language and utter denial.

There is a saying I heard once upon a time, and though I am sure to butcher it I will try to recreate it:

“Anger and sadness can subsist forever in confusion and deceit, but it cannot survive in the truth.” I very much believe in this.  Once you look at the truth you are forced to see life as it is, not how it might be. Within confusion breeds the possibility of change and surprise, but within truth is meaning and acceptance.

In my opinion, “I love him, but I am not in love with him” is the equivalent of giving your love life the silent treatment. It is a suspension of any real action in favour of the status quo.  The sentence itself has little meaning and is much more fashion than function.  It does nothing but prolong us from taking action, addressing the problem(s) or moving towards the difficult decisions that are now inevitable.

I’ve always taken love as a very special mystery, and one that should not be sullied and confused with semantics, categories, and triple meanings.  It takes away some of the magic.  I wish we could speak in definitive terms.  Speak to our experiences and frustrations so to face reality, take it from someone who didn’t.

Dealing with issues head on does not mean your relationship is automatically doomed, but it’s easier to cure a cancer when you’re not pretending it’s a cold. When we speak to facts and situations that exist and can be evaluated through language the answer becomes clear and all that is left to do is take action. Yes, the hardest part.

The word love used to be held as a member of royalty within the English language, that only if you were lucky enough, be honored to sit with the Queen. Somewhere along the way we decided to turn love into the court jester.   In my opinion, for someone to say, “I love her, but I’m not IN love with her” denigrates the beauty behind the mystery of love, and further more gives precedent to others to do the same.  I feel we’re all capable of better.

What Do You Think?

With this however, comes an interesting point; With this knowledge in our grasp do we evaluate further? Do we single out the weakest links in our lives to make a stride toward self-improvement? Or is the importance of loyalty in friendship more important than our own evolution?

When analyzing your own situation I think you can typically move outside of the “fave five” parameters and take a mental snapshot of your inner circle, be it three, five, or even seven people. I think seven should be a maximum otherwise you turn a serious evaluation into a possible Facebook survey. Just so everyone is clear, please include your spouse, significant other, and any family member that you would confide in. I think that when we confide in someone its because we trust that person enough to share our experiences with them, but also because we’d appreciate a little feedback from someone outside our own cranium. This is where our inner circle plays such a huge role in who we are.

Typically our brain trust functions as extensions of different aspects of our personalities, we make connections based on our similarities and mutual affability. But their influence on our lives extend much further than our shared love for Rachel McAdams and Back To The Future, as there are typically two types of friends.

The first will support you in any decision you make, be it going back to school to change careers, doing the worm at a wedding, or cheating your significant other. The second type will support most decisions when push comes to shove, but will step in to intervene when you’re on your way to self-destruction.

We’ll all continue to make good and bad decisions throughout the course of our lives, so its good to have someone in your corner that’ll help you minimize the damage but will also be there to help you clean up the mess. I see friend #1 as more of an apathetic good time soul who is just along to watch the show and will at all times avoid rocking the boat until the situation directly affects them.

Though #1 could still be a great friend, in my opinion its #2 who you want in your corner at all times. These are people that have taken a vested interest in your life, they value you as a friend and don’t want to see you on the receiving end of a poor decision. They’ll let you know why they think you’re making a huge mistake, but still understand if you go through with it anyways (depending on the severity of the action of course). These are the friends that will keep you in check when your better judgment goes awry; or at least give you a chance to think twice.

Personal averages come in all shapes and sizes and its up to you to realize how yours is being calculated. This is more of a post-secondary calculation than a grade school report card because as we all know, not everyone in our inner circle is given equal weighting. Some of our closest friends are given an influence grading similar to a one-page assignment whereas other friends are given final exam weighting along with prime real estate in our lives.

Its important to realize which of your friends and family are having the most effect on your life. Surrounding yourself with those that create a positive force and move you forward should not be taken lightly. These people will bring you up to the level you should be performing at while others might give you rational reason to stay where you are.

Its important to believe in yourself and the things you wish to accomplish in life but its crucial to understand that we are shaped by those that we allow into our lives and who we spend our time with. There is many the friendship that survive and continue based on longevity of acquaintance opposed to the quality of the friendship. In the long run I see these friendships as anchors in personal development and the time we devote to them are usually filled with negativity and maintenance. Its one thing to make a conscious effort to save a valuable friendship as two people have grown in opposite directions, but its another to use the defibrillator several times on a relationship that’s in desperate need of a toe tag.

To take a step further, I do commend anyone that goes the extra mile to pull a troubled friend or a dying friendship out of the fire, because loyalty IS important, but you reach a point where you run the risk of going up in flames yourself.

This holds true with co-workers as well. If the majority of your time is spent around the water cooler listening to Eli and Stuart debate the best albums of the 80s and 90s, sure you’ll score higher in Rock ‘n Roll Jeopardy, but its the guy who spends his time with those co-workers smarter and more senior than him that will score higher when the next promotion is on the table.

So though some people may grade their averages with a heavy and bias curve, if you take an honest look its easy to see who is setting you up for the honour roll and who’s hoping they’ll see you in detention; and sometimes just being conscious of this might help us move in a more positive and productive direction.

This unholy bastard child of interesting conversation and violent murderer of free time is none other than UNNECESSARY SMALL TALK.

Its likely happened to us all. You’re rushing through the mall trying to pick up a few quick items and head home for sanctuary. You’re one pack of Mach3s away from being finished your “To Do” list and you mistakenly smile and make eye contact with someone you haven’t seen in 5 years, and had honestly forgotten about them until that very moment. You’d like to turn and make a dead sprint for the exit doors but now Johnny Acquaintance is only footsteps away from being in your personal space.

After direct eye contact there are 3 options you may exercise:

Option #1 Cold Hearted – Pretend you never saw them. Be the asshole and just walk by.

Option #2 Duck and Cover – Take a hard left/right into whatever store you happen to be in front of and hope its gender appropriate. (as its next to impossible to be a believable male shopper in Additional Elle)

And Option #3 which plagues my existence, usually plays out like this,

“Hey Mike, long time no see, how’s it going?”

“Its going good. Just off to my last store and then straight home.” (my make shift plea for freedom)

“Ya I hear that. I’ll probably be here for at least another couple hours. SOOOOO, what have you been up to?”

This is the exact moment where if this were a dream fantasy I would throw this person from the top level of the mall down onto the make-up kiosk on the lower level.

Back to reality I secretly ask myself; How in the hell does Larry King here expect me to BRIEFLY sum up my last 5 years of living while standing in front of the Disney Store??

Scrambling for a quick reply I usually muster out a “Just workin’ in Toronto. Trying to the live the dream” THEN, out of deepest, dumbest, most thoughtless part of my brain comes; “How about you?” This desperate cycle of empty questions and answers always goes on for far longer than it should until the person who’s the most bored gives the old, “Well, I’ll let you go, but it was really great seeing you. We should grab a drink sometime” Both parties agree, and walk away, fully aware of the fact that they’ve exchanged no contact info. making meeting for a drink virtually impossible.

Now don’t misunderstand me, there are plenty of people from days gone by that I am very happy to see and don’t mind spending the 20+ minutes catching up with. However, for some reason I rarely see those people (very possibly because they’ve seen me first and ducked into an HMV). For me its always Tommy Too Cool from university that once drank 14 beers in a 3 hours period and has since dedicated his life to breaking that record.

Here and now I propose we make a change. A step in the direction of more efficient daily encounters. We’ll call it OPTION #4 – The Gentleman’s Maneuvre

Back to the mall scenario; when running into a long forgotten acquaintance that you have no desire to start the jog down the million word mile with, make sure you speak first:

“Hey John, Good to see you. I’m glad you’re still alive”

Because that’s the bare bones truth. You’re glad this person is still living and nothing terrible has happened to them, but aside from that, you’d rather spend the next 20min at Dairy Queen gorging yourself on a KitKat Blizzard.

Upon hearing the “Glad you’re alive” remark, your acquaintance is made aware of the situation and is obliged to say, “Thanks, you too. Have a great day” This should be followed by a high 5 –just because I’m trying to bring it back– and both parties walk away.

The key to this being successful is that no one should be left feeling rejected or insulted. The reality is that time is precious, and we never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. So if they wish to just go on their merry way, be content they care you’re alive and didn’t choose to exercise options #1 or 2.

So from today on lets do away with these senseless one act plays, and fake handshakes and get ourselves home to our loved ones faster.

Or at least walk with me to buy my Blizzard.

Together we CAN make a difference. If anyone out there knows any executives from NBC that would be willing to run this idea for a “THE MORE YOU KNOW…” commercial, please let me know. I’d also like Chuck Norris or Mr.T to be the celebrity endorser.

All comments and suggestions are welcomed and encouraged.