Hello there ladies, gentleman, and people that enjoy wasting time at work,

Do I have a doozie for you today?

Yesterday I realized that I hadn’t heard from Nora, a good friend of mine for quite some time so I decided to write her an email. That email said exactly the following, “Hey, how’s the sexiest girl in __________ doing? ”

Now, I’m a friendly playful person by nature, I enjoy complimenting people, joking around, and when I’m single I have no clue where the line is drawn between being friendly and flirty. That’s simply how I communicate, usually its fine, sometimes its not, life goes on. I was originally going to go with something more inappropriate and suggestive for the email as I normally would with Nora, something like; “Hey, how’s the sexiest ass in all the free world doing?” You know, something subtle, but I remembered that Nora now has a boyfriend, so I respectfully toned it down to “sexiest girl” and waited for a reply.

Now before I give you a little taste of her unexpected reply, let me toss some backstory at you;

Nora lives a fair distance away and over a period of about 14 years, we’ve met three times; once in Virgina Beach when we were 15 (that young puppy love), once in 2000 for a couple hours, and another time for a weekend last June. All other communication has been over instant messenging services, email, and a few snail mails (she used to enjoy sending me cute thoughtful trinkets).

Nora and I, despite our geographical handicap became very close friends. We’d often discuss personal issues and every so often one of us would throw out a clearly non-platonic statement towards the other. It was a fun dynamic. We had both been in long term relationships starting and ending roughly around the same time, ’04- April ’07. So last June, as we realized we were both single we decided to meet up for a weekend in a neutral location. At the time we both needed a clearer perspective outside our narrow vision of a post breakup world. Long story short, we had a fantastic time. No stress, no expectations, just two friends hanging out and listening to “The Collection of Bobby Brown” (it was her CD, but I loved it like it were my own).

On our last evening together there happened to be a bit of wine consumed and well, yada yada yada… and we haven’t seen one another since. Relax out there all you Penthouse Letter enthusiasts, not like that. Yada yada yada doesn’t always mean sex you filthy bastards.

So back to her email. This is a partial excerpt of what I received, I found it very interesting (see: funny)and I wanted to share it with all my faithful (see: limited) readers:

“Well, as awkward as this is… I need to tell you that my boyfriend is extremely uncomfortable with you and I communicating.

Dennis stumbled across a text message you sent me around the weekend of “the tryst” and was less than thrilled. Although , honestly, I can’t say I blame him. He asked me who you were and I blew it off and said you were just a platonic friend (which, in theory, you are).

In case you’re wondering why he was looking through my phone… my ex was still text-stalking me and Dennis was worried that he might actually show up at my apartment and do something rash. Dennis didn’t say anything at first, but brought it up about 5 months into our relationship during an argument. I have a great deal of love and respect for this man and knowing how deeply he was hurt by this just kills me”

Just to first set the record straight, they were not together during “the tryst” (I had to look up what that word meant), they got together a few months after.

The rest of the email goes into suggestions of changing our harmless friendship, which in my opinion think we’re better off just not talking, period, if that’s what’s best for her. One great idea from the email though, was she did recommend I post something on Perfectly Turbulent about the delusion most people have that men and women can be friends. And so here we are, mind you I doubt she thought I’d post her email…SURPRISE!! (j/k i asked first).

The simple fact is that women can be friends, men however, if we find the girl attractive we will, at any time hand in our friendship passport for a one-way ticket to an awkward morning. Its my belief that even if two people somehow remain friends, there either IS or WAS at some point feelings had, be it one-sided or mutual.

But surprisingly, for some reason most woman just CANNOT wrap their heads around this concept.

Its always, “No, no, we’re just friends, Billy would never think of me like that.” THAT IS WRONG. Billy has, and does think of you like that many times a day. In fact, he’s thinking of you like that RIGHT NOW as you’ve just dragged him through SIX different clothing stores trying on bikinis.”

In movie history, no one has put this debate better than Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally. (thanks for the clip Nora).

As for Nora and I’s friendship, it’ll always be there and we both know it. I totally understand her position and commend anyone that is willing to put all of themselves into a relationship because not enough people do. If I never hear from her again I wish her nothing but happiness with her boyfriend, but all I ask is that I’m notified about the wedding so I know where to send the flowers… as well as an inappropriate Wedding Card to get the newlywed’s first fight out of the way.

So what does everyone else think? Can women and men be friends with no sexual tension or feelings involved….ever?

I always thought the best way to get a good belly laugh on the internet was to surf around on YouTube. I mean, there`s always someone getting hit in the head with a shovel, little kids biting each other, or a fat girl falling down a hole.

Now I’ll admit, the girl falling in the hole isn’t laugh-out-loud funny, but if you look inside yourself you’ll admit that the funny is somewhere in there.

But even with these entertaining clips I’ve decided YouTube takes second place to the group of websites out there that churn out quality comedic material each and every day.

ONLINE DATING SITES

Since I’ve been back in Canada a few friends have convinced me to join some of these sites and I’ve had some hilarious experiences. You really get to see what kind of people are out there when you take some time to read through some of these sites. The other day I had somehow pissed away two hours just reading profiles, responding to random emails from strangers and having myself a right good laugh throughout the process.

I can only give you my perspective of the girls on these websites, but after a few read-throughs its easy to pick out who seems like a decent person or who just got their heart ripped out and tossed into a woodchipper. Below I’ve paraphrased from several profiles I’ve read:

“I’m just looking for a nice guy, who MUST be HONEST, not a low life cheater. I have no more room in my life for people who play games or can’t tell the truth.”

To me, this girl is carrying more baggage than transatlantic flights from Toronto to Rome.

Even better are the 80% of girls that write “Hi guys, I’m looking for a nice, attractive, ambitious guy that can make me laugh. I really love to laugh”

Each time I read one of those creative masterpieces I laugh, because lets stop for a moment and consider the alternative. Is there anyone out there that would request:

“I’m just on here searching for a weird looking, lazy asshole that’s very very boring. I’m not a huge fan of enjoyable things so I need someone with no interests, passions, or hobbies. Oh, and if you’re bordering on alcoholism at the moment, I’m your girl. Can’t wait to hear from you”

To round out my top 3 favourite profiles are the girls that think they’ve given all males online an early christmas gift by adding themselves to the site. Let me give you a specific example on this one.

This girl, wrote me a short email so I took a look at her lengthy profile. Perhaps I’m the asshole but I didn’t find it hard to figure out that her ego is so inflated it current floats somewhere between Saturn’s 2nd and 3rd moons. Personally, I’m not ready for a space expedition. The unsaid truth about these hordes of dating sites is that no matter how witty or clever the woman or man may be, if there is no attraction between you and the profile picture on the screen, that’s where communication goes to die. I don’t think that’s a bad thing either. That’s just life. If both people are attracted to one another AND they get along, well that’s when we have lift off. (pun intended).

You just have to go into online dating the same way you would offline and consider rejection the price to play. If I message a girl I think is gorgeous and I see she’s read my message yet hasn’t written back, odds are she thinks I’m a goblin or something equally revolting. Surprisingly, I’ve learned to be cool with that. I have a friend who once dated a girl I thought looked identical to Jar Jar Binks, but he thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. Beauty is 100% in the eye of the beholder.

Conversely, none of us want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t find us attractive. I figure, if you’re physically attracted to someone, if they don’t feel the same, then that should automatically disqualify them from being your “type”. Makes sense doesn’t it? Usually your type of person WILL indeed find you to be attractive, so why waste time and energy on people that don’t. They’re CLEARLY not your type!

As highly entertaining as these sites may be, I do believe they serve a very important purpose that Western culture needs. They bring people together who otherwise would not have met. With our increased hunger for the big payday, exorbitant working hours and illogical desire to keep up with “The Joneses” … its getting increasingly tougher to get out of your circle of comfort and find a person you want to spend your time with. Especially with shows like Sex and the City, Entourage, and Grey’s Anatomy, marriage and monogamy aren’t exactly touted as the cool thing to do.

At least with online dating it allows people the fastest route to market to meet and hang out with a few new acquaintances outside their core circle of comfort and hopefully meet someone great enough to inspire an exodus from both online and offline dating.

And since I feel a little bad about making “Angel-Lynn” a target for ridicule on this post, I’ll allow everyone to view and have a good laugh at mine as well.

Enjoy!

Feel free to leave me some comments with any anecdotal stories about online dating because I know there’s a lot out there. And yes, Facebook and MySpace count for online dating.

Its been said that the Brain is the physical part of the body that controls the nervous system and allows the body to function, while the mind is our thoughts, our dreams, our fears, and our hopes.

In actuality this is a semantic argument that for the moment, has no absolute truth, nor will ever be an interesting conversation. Its usually reserved for the kind of people that enjoy discussing who loves their child more and the difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. All conversations that just turn in circles.

I find this happens more than it should. People rearranging and distorting meaning and reality to fit something more palatable. My all-time favourite of these is when someone told me its “good luck” if it rains on your wedding day. I mean seriously, how is that possible?? If that was true, England would be the luckiest place on the planet to get married.

Maybe these little sayings have their times and places of usefulness but isn’t the reality of life more important? Do we really just want to walk around always hearing “It’ll all be alright” from our friends when things are bleak. I know I don’t. If you’re my friend, give me reality and a different perspective, not a fuckin’ fortune cookie. Sometimes its healthy to look around the say, ‘Wow, things are really shitty right now. And not just normal shitty, I’m talking post chicken wings and indian food shitty.”

Right away, my expectations have been managed, I’m at ground level. I know where I am. When you have people around you just saying what they think you want to hear they lift you to unrealistic levels, which is good short-term, but when tomorrow comes and things are still shitty, you fall hard back to ground level. Sometimes embracing the severity of a situation, gives you a healthy vantage point to move forward from. Gives you a clearer view of the playing field.

Allow me to explain.

Lets say you’ve been fortunate enough to be born into a happy bubble. Great genes, lucky turns at every corner and a supportive perfect family. And I suppose you could insert another semantic battle here; if your life is all gummy drops and lollipops, do you ever truly appreciate it? Or does it take some sort of unfortunate accident, some tumble for you to realize how great things really were? And on the flip side, if someone has been dragged through the mud and emotionally worn down to the nub, I imagine that even the simplest of pleasures would resonate with satisfaction. Ok ok Im busted. I like semantic arguments, and if I ever have children, I will surely love them more.

I’m not exactly sure what my muse was for this post, especially since I haven’t posted in a while, but when these fingers feel like sharing who am I to stop the rush. I suppose it might be some of the simple pleasures I have been taking joy in lately.

Anything from the beauty of a Sunday morning walk on the way to meet a friend (see picture below) or even my ritual after lunch espresso that seems to taste better each day. I think I may have learned that sometimes, its all about the view.

Everyone needs perspective.

So do me a favour. Every now and again when you’re doing something you enjoy; reading your Saturday morning paper, eating your favourite meal, or maybe even chatting with a good friend over drinks, take a break…

…A few seconds (no longer) to flash to a time in your life that just sucked, where you thought to yourself how could things have ended up HERE. Now come back. Take a breath, look around, and I’m sure a smile will paint itself across your face. Because its impossible to know where you are, exactly where you are, unless you understand how you got there.