I have been to other funerals that truly are a life celebration.  A video montage is playing with AC/DC in the background while people mill about reminiscing and telling anecdotes about the deceased.  These gatherings are usually a one case of bud light away from a party and that’s the way I think funerals should be.  Your closest friends and family gathering around to laugh about the time they caught you making out with the family dog.   They sure as hell couldn’t talk about it when you were alive so why not have a laugh now.

But Italian funerals…sweet jesus murphy, what an arduous journey it is to attend an Italian funeral home even if its for only 20 minutes.

First of all, you usually have to line up behind the forty-five other visitors just to get a chance to go down the line of never ending sorrow.  This is where the immediate family lines up in order of who was the closest in relation to the deceased so that visitors have a running shot at guessing who the hell everyone is. I always feel like the family is has a running bet to see which one of them can make the most guests cry.  The purpose of this receiving line also escapes my logical boundaries, because if I’ve been crying and grieving for the past forty-eight hours that’s usually not the time I try to get out and meet some new people.

I am convinced that I will say something stupid in the midst of any funeral receiving line.  Recently, a friend of mine’s grandmother passed away so I willfully subjected myself to his family gauntlet to show my support.  To the first two people I met I said, “Nice to meet you’, which immediately felt too awkward to continue you on with. Next I saw my friend’s mother and said, ‘Nice to see you’ which was decidedly much worse so I threw in a mumbled “Sorry” and quickened my pace.  I managed to make it through the next 5 or 6 people with either “Sorry” or “Really sorry” and then a quick shuffle step to the next person. When I finally made it to my buddy at the end of the line, I felt more like he was comforting me than vice versa.

In discussing the perils and awkwardness of the receiving line with him later he mentioned how his father had once attended a wake and wished the brother of the deceased a “Happy Birthday”.  This made me feel better about my equally lackluster performance.

But the big turd on top of the sh*tcake that is an Italian funeral is the open casket. This has never and will never make any sense to me.  At what point in history did showcasing a corpse like a freshly stuffed turkey become a good idea?  I guess nothing says closure like a plastic face and the endearing smell of formaldehyde.

All of the above work together to provide an extremely awkward experience. So I am always glad when someone lightens the mood with any sort of joke or pun, which in turn allows me to start making them myself.  I try not to be first to throw out the one-liners, but once the can is opened I am tossing worms by the handful.

As I walked into the funeral home with a friend of mine we noticed we were one of the first ones to arrive. My friend leaned over to me and said, “Wow, its pretty dead in here huh?” And now that the can had been blown open I felt it appropriate to reply with, “I know, its surprising, and people are usually dying to get in here”

Some people will certainly see this as disrespectful, but since when does being respectful of the dead include not laughing and pretending to be miserable?  The dead are dead, I don’t know why we try to make it more than that. They hopefully lived a good life and they died. All that us non-grievers and outsiders can do is stand by our loved ones to support them.  And in my eyes there is no better support than a steady stream of laughter.

A few days after the funeral I was speaking to my friend (lets call him Bobby) about his grandmother’s funeral and I mentioned some of the jokes that were said behind the scenes at the wake.  Not only did he laugh with me, but also provided one of the best stories of all.

Apparently, the day before the funeral Bobby’s entire family was gathered and discussing who the pall bearers would be.  His father suggested several men, one of which being Bobby’s 13 year old cousin who is built like a piece of a celery.  Bobby strongly objected to this idea and wanted to make sure everyone knew, “There’s no way he is carrying the casket with us. Do you honestly think he is going to be able to walk around with 300+ pounds of dead weight, ummm, I mean, shit, sorry, you know what I mean. He won’t be able to carry it. Sorry”

Bobby said all of his relatives had a good laugh just as we did when he retold the tale.

So that’s my lesson of the day: You can lend support to your friends however you see you fit. They don’t expect you to be as miserable and grief stricken as them.  But should you ever find yourself attending an Italian funeral, be prepared for the endless line of grief.  Put your hand out and your head down and hit the “I am sorry for your loss” button as many times as you have to until its over.

Otherwise, those funerals will suck the life right outta you.

This unholy bastard child of interesting conversation and violent murderer of free time is none other than UNNECESSARY SMALL TALK.

Its likely happened to us all. You’re rushing through the mall trying to pick up a few quick items and head home for sanctuary. You’re one pack of Mach3s away from being finished your “To Do” list and you mistakenly smile and make eye contact with someone you haven’t seen in 5 years, and had honestly forgotten about them until that very moment. You’d like to turn and make a dead sprint for the exit doors but now Johnny Acquaintance is only footsteps away from being in your personal space.

After direct eye contact there are 3 options you may exercise:

Option #1 Cold Hearted – Pretend you never saw them. Be the asshole and just walk by.

Option #2 Duck and Cover – Take a hard left/right into whatever store you happen to be in front of and hope its gender appropriate. (as its next to impossible to be a believable male shopper in Additional Elle)

And Option #3 which plagues my existence, usually plays out like this,

“Hey Mike, long time no see, how’s it going?”

“Its going good. Just off to my last store and then straight home.” (my make shift plea for freedom)

“Ya I hear that. I’ll probably be here for at least another couple hours. SOOOOO, what have you been up to?”

This is the exact moment where if this were a dream fantasy I would throw this person from the top level of the mall down onto the make-up kiosk on the lower level.

Back to reality I secretly ask myself; How in the hell does Larry King here expect me to BRIEFLY sum up my last 5 years of living while standing in front of the Disney Store??

Scrambling for a quick reply I usually muster out a “Just workin’ in Toronto. Trying to the live the dream” THEN, out of deepest, dumbest, most thoughtless part of my brain comes; “How about you?” This desperate cycle of empty questions and answers always goes on for far longer than it should until the person who’s the most bored gives the old, “Well, I’ll let you go, but it was really great seeing you. We should grab a drink sometime” Both parties agree, and walk away, fully aware of the fact that they’ve exchanged no contact info. making meeting for a drink virtually impossible.

Now don’t misunderstand me, there are plenty of people from days gone by that I am very happy to see and don’t mind spending the 20+ minutes catching up with. However, for some reason I rarely see those people (very possibly because they’ve seen me first and ducked into an HMV). For me its always Tommy Too Cool from university that once drank 14 beers in a 3 hours period and has since dedicated his life to breaking that record.

Here and now I propose we make a change. A step in the direction of more efficient daily encounters. We’ll call it OPTION #4 – The Gentleman’s Maneuvre

Back to the mall scenario; when running into a long forgotten acquaintance that you have no desire to start the jog down the million word mile with, make sure you speak first:

“Hey John, Good to see you. I’m glad you’re still alive”

Because that’s the bare bones truth. You’re glad this person is still living and nothing terrible has happened to them, but aside from that, you’d rather spend the next 20min at Dairy Queen gorging yourself on a KitKat Blizzard.

Upon hearing the “Glad you’re alive” remark, your acquaintance is made aware of the situation and is obliged to say, “Thanks, you too. Have a great day” This should be followed by a high 5 –just because I’m trying to bring it back– and both parties walk away.

The key to this being successful is that no one should be left feeling rejected or insulted. The reality is that time is precious, and we never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. So if they wish to just go on their merry way, be content they care you’re alive and didn’t choose to exercise options #1 or 2.

So from today on lets do away with these senseless one act plays, and fake handshakes and get ourselves home to our loved ones faster.

Or at least walk with me to buy my Blizzard.

Together we CAN make a difference. If anyone out there knows any executives from NBC that would be willing to run this idea for a “THE MORE YOU KNOW…” commercial, please let me know. I’d also like Chuck Norris or Mr.T to be the celebrity endorser.

All comments and suggestions are welcomed and encouraged.

Now I’ll admit, the girl falling in the hole isn’t laugh-out-loud funny, but if you look inside yourself you’ll admit that the funny is somewhere in there.

But even with these entertaining clips I’ve decided YouTube takes second place to the group of websites out there that churn out quality comedic material each and every day.

ONLINE DATING SITES

Since I’ve been back in Canada a few friends have convinced me to join some of these sites and I’ve had some hilarious experiences. You really get to see what kind of people are out there when you take some time to read through some of these sites. The other day I had somehow pissed away two hours just reading profiles, responding to random emails from strangers and having myself a right good laugh throughout the process.

I can only give you my perspective of the girls on these websites, but after a few read-throughs its easy to pick out who seems like a decent person or who just got their heart ripped out and tossed into a woodchipper. Below I’ve paraphrased from several profiles I’ve read:

“I’m just looking for a nice guy, who MUST be HONEST, not a low life cheater. I have no more room in my life for people who play games or can’t tell the truth.”

To me, this girl is carrying more baggage than transatlantic flights from Toronto to Rome.

Even better are the 80% of girls that write “Hi guys, I’m looking for a nice, attractive, ambitious guy that can make me laugh. I really love to laugh”

Each time I read one of those creative masterpieces I laugh, because lets stop for a moment and consider the alternative. Is there anyone out there that would request:

“I’m just on here searching for a weird looking, lazy asshole that’s very very boring. I’m not a huge fan of enjoyable things so I need someone with no interests, passions, or hobbies. Oh, and if you’re bordering on alcoholism at the moment, I’m your girl. Can’t wait to hear from you”

To round out my top 3 favourite profiles are the girls that think they’ve given all males online an early christmas gift by adding themselves to the site. Let me give you a specific example on this one.

This girl, wrote me a short email so I took a look at her lengthy profile. Perhaps I’m the asshole but I didn’t find it hard to figure out that her ego is so inflated it current floats somewhere between Saturn’s 2nd and 3rd moons. Personally, I’m not ready for a space expedition. The unsaid truth about these hordes of dating sites is that no matter how witty or clever the woman or man may be, if there is no attraction between you and the profile picture on the screen, that’s where communication goes to die. I don’t think that’s a bad thing either. That’s just life. If both people are attracted to one another AND they get along, well that’s when we have lift off. (pun intended).

You just have to go into online dating the same way you would offline and consider rejection the price to play. If I message a girl I think is gorgeous and I see she’s read my message yet hasn’t written back, odds are she thinks I’m a goblin or something equally revolting. Surprisingly, I’ve learned to be cool with that. I have a friend who once dated a girl I thought looked identical to Jar Jar Binks, but he thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. Beauty is 100% in the eye of the beholder.

Conversely, none of us want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t find us attractive. I figure, if you’re physically attracted to someone, if they don’t feel the same, then that should automatically disqualify them from being your “type”. Makes sense doesn’t it? Usually your type of person WILL indeed find you to be attractive, so why waste time and energy on people that don’t. They’re CLEARLY not your type!

As highly entertaining as these sites may be, I do believe they serve a very important purpose that Western culture needs. They bring people together who otherwise would not have met. With our increased hunger for the big payday, exorbitant working hours and illogical desire to keep up with “The Joneses” … its getting increasingly tougher to get out of your circle of comfort and find a person you want to spend your time with. Especially with shows like Sex and the City, Entourage, and Grey’s Anatomy, marriage and monogamy aren’t exactly touted as the cool thing to do.

At least with online dating it allows people the fastest route to market to meet and hang out with a few new acquaintances outside their core circle of comfort and hopefully meet someone great enough to inspire an exodus from both online and offline dating.

And since I feel a little bad about making “Angel-Lynn” a target for ridicule on this post, I’ll allow everyone to view and have a good laugh at mine as well.

Enjoy!

Feel free to leave me some comments with any anecdotal stories about online dating because I know there’s a lot out there. And yes, Facebook and MySpace count for online dating.

How challenging it must be for all of our comrades lost in battle and locked into relationships or *GASP* suffering through marriage that are unable to celebrate this joyous day with the rest of us triumphantly single folk.

National Singles Day is for both genders but I think the single men enjoy it more. We all know that this evening many single women will be locked in their homes alone or with their other single girl friends eating Mint Chocolate chip ice cream and going over why men suck, and at the same time secretly hating all of their coupled girlfriends. Whereas single men are looking in bars, clubs, Starbucks and Chapters for the single women that have resisted the temptation of Lindt and Cookie Dough.

Single men also have a different perspective on this time of year, because November 1st to February 14th is the single man’s relationship off-season. And tomorrow, February 15th, is the annual start of hunting season. Allow me to explain the logistics behind the single male’s calendar.

If the single male is thinking about getting serious with whatever girl is currently the most dialed on his cell phone the decision must be made by the end of October. This is the day we decide if the girl we’re currently dating is worth the emasculating pain, money, and time that the next 106 days demand. Halloween IS the point of no return.

After Halloween the madness begins… Two months of bag holding, perfume sampling, xmas gift hint decoding, work dinner partying, family gatherings, and then ultimately, gift evaluations on December 25th. The month following is spent sales shopping and most likely returning the thoughtful gifts us men took all of the morning of December 24th to search for and purchase.

The last week of January thankfully provides a one-week sanctuary before the Valentine’s Day planning begins. Chocolate, candies, flowers, chocolate, rose petals, chocolate, clothing, jewelry, and more chocolate; all for the chance at an evening of post-dinner Thank Yous. Don’t get me wrong, if you’ve chosen wisely on the evening of October 31st the season is a wonderful way to start a relationship and a lot of fun to be had. However, if you’ve chosen poorly, may whatever god you pray to have mercy on your soul.

So for those of us out there who are happy with the single life but wouldn’t mind changing gears; I wish you all a very Happy Singles Day and may your hunting season be successful and void of all high maintenance prey.

….and Happy Valentine’s Day to the rest of you. I wish you a wonderful evening of giving “thanks”.

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen

Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise. – Samuel Johnson

All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. – Leo Tolstoy