Sucked. There’s definitely no eloquent way to put that. From beginning to the end, this movie never even attempted to be going for anything other than a quick buck on a 3rd installment of a trilogy that was mediocre at best.

Many scenes fell right off the mountain of plausibility, and if it weren’t for the few funny moments throughout the film I may have considered asking for a refund on the grounds of psychological damage.

In one scene and Tucker and Chan are facing off against a group of Chinese Triad assassins inside a hospital, but mysteriously there are absolutely no patients, no doctors, no nurses, no staff whatsoever on this previously bustling hospital wing. It takes away from the entire scene when you’re taken out of the movie thinking, “Huh? Wait a minute”.

The truly funny moments and witty jokes are few and very far between in this film and the acting is sub par throughout. Jackie Chan provides some highlights as always with his lightning quick reflexes and maneuvers, but its clear he’s nearly too old for performing at the breakneck pace we’re used to.

There’s an entertaining fight scene with Chan on what is supposed to be the Eiffel Tower but the background during the action looks like something out of the 80s movie, Tron, than Paris, France.

I took my 13yr old brother with me to this one and between my eye rolling and moaning he still had a blast so for the kids this 86 minute action-comedy hits the target. For those of you in the thinking population, I’d wait for the release on TBS in about 3 years right before Rush Hour 4 is released.

So to clean off the stench that was Hot Rod I decided to tread back into the murky waters of the Cineplex to check out the 3rd and hopefully not the last adventure of Jason Bourne.

The film got off to a great start with Jason being chased through some European city and when confronted with the opportunity to kill a policeman at point blank range utters: “My argument is not with you.” and walks away. Great start.

The whole movie played out brilliantly over the next 2 hours, as Bourne goes from being backed into one corner to another, and eventually finding the memories he’s been searching for since the beginning of the trilogy. His final fight scene with a fellow Treadstone asset/agent/assassin is really one of the best fight scenes I have seen in a long time. The camera work during the scene bounced around a lot so after the first few minutes you become a little nauseous, but otherwise it was spectacular.

One minor part that irked me, Bourne’s in a hijacked car speeding backwards in a parking garage and intentionally drives off one level onto another in a reckless Die Hard-esque suicide maneuver than anything I’ve seen Bourne do in the past 2 films. There are maybe two other parts in the film like that, but I am being a bit picky because the movie really was that good.

I’ve read about Matt Damon saying he’s too old to do another Bourne movie – he’s 36 -but since Ultimatum has cleared its opening weekend with the biggest August opening ever at $70+ million, I think its safe to say, just like Jason Bourne himself, no matter what you hear, he’s too good to be dead.

If you’ve seen the first two films, Ultimatum is a theater MUST SEE.

Its been quite a while since I’ve hated a movie as much as Hot Rod.  I don’t know if its because my movie selection is getting better or I’ve just been extremely lucky, but it seems my luck has run dry.

After seeing the preview for Hot Rod a few weeks ago and laughing hysterically in my chair, I decided it would be one of the few comedies I check out in theatres.   I don’t usually have much faith in seeing comedies at the cinema since they’re usually very hit and miss but Hot Rod somehow lured me in.  Kind of like how McDonald’s reels you in and then 20 years later you weigh 300lbs and you’re having a heart attack.  In comparison, I’d take obesity and a coronary bypass over ever seeing this movie again.

My date for the evening, who was equally excited to see the film, assured me many of her friends had seen the movie and said it was hilarious.  Needless to say, I’m currently in the  process of tracking down and killing these people for they shouldn’t be allowed to interact with the public.

The entire movie, is about a lackluster stunt man  trying to perform a grand stunt to save his dying stepfather just so he can punch him in the face to prove he’s a man. (i’m serious, that’s the actual plot line)

Throughout the entire movie, you never know if Rod is an older man playing a teenager, or just an old man being ridiculous. You never know exactly what era its set in, but by the music it seems like the 80s, but the clothes don’t signify anything except awful judgment in fashion.  And though Rod’s love story makes absolute no attempts at making sense, Isla Fisher was my only enjoyment throughout the entire movie so I’ve dismissed any bad points about her character.

From the first 15min into the movie I recall thinking, “I hope that wasn’t supposed to be funny” and it got progressively worse from there. There were a few moments of laughter though; one point specifically shows Rod falling down an seemingly never ending hillside starting in the evening and finishing at dawn. That was the only scene I remember laughing with and not at the movie.

My next point may seem sexiest – mainly because it is – but stay with me for a moment. After the first few torturous scenes, the credits started rolling and I immediately noticed the movie was written solely by a woman. Its from then I knew I was in for a long long ride.   My reasoning is that the entire movie is centered on Rod and his 3 man team.  I think it takes a very talented woman to write for 4 men on screen and not turn them into women at some point.  The screenwriter Pam Brady is NOT that woman.  You see the characters repeatedly cry for no real reason, the stepbrother is about as feminine as can be and the dialogue to me, seems like it was written by a woman who has never really had any male friends, or perhaps never even had any contact with males in her entire life.

My obvious distaste for female comedians, or female comedy writers makes my love for Tina Fey that much stronger.  Anyone who hasn’t seen Mean Girls yet should run out and rent it.   That is definitely a movie that shows how a very simple plot line can be smart, funny and enjoyable just because the writer knows what she’s doing.    Plus, that the film is centered around 3 highschool girls.

So if you’re thinking about going to see Hot Rod, I strongly advise choosing to do something else with your time and money.  However, if you are as eager to see it as I was, at least come back and let me know what you thought of it.  I need to understand what kind of people find that movie funny and why it was even released in the first place, because I’m lost for answers.

So if I were to put this movie on a scale from 1 to Terrible, I would have to give it a rating of TERRIBLE.