Have you ever been in a room with a few people, maybe even at a party, and the whole group has been rambling on about some inane topic and all you can think about, are all the other ways you could be spending your time?

Maybe it’s just my perspective, but aside from paying my mortgage and the health of me and my loved ones, there’s not much else that I really find that important.  Sure, I have my audacious and ambitious goals for the future, and plans for success, but when it all comes down to it, as long as the people I love are safe (from diseases, heart attacks, nuclear and/or natural disasters), and I’ve got enough money for next month’s payment…. I can’t really find the energy to give a shit about some of the other topics people seem to devote so much of their lives to.

I think I kind of know when I started down this path.

In 2000, long story short, I thought I had a fatal illness.  Thankfully, after one last minute canceled surgery and another completed surgery I found out that I didn’t. But I believe it was during that time that I realized how truly precious life is. That no matter how difficult things can get from day to day, as long as you’re still breathing and moving along… everything is going to be okay.

I know it’s not easy.

If a bus runs through a puddle and soaks you from head to toe, that reeaaally sucks.

Maybe the love of your life loving is now someone else’s life, double sucks.

But tomorrow is another day…

I remember in 2005, when I was living in London, England and was having a really tough time hitting my sales quota
in my new environment. I don’t know if it was the new team, the product I was selling, or maybe I just hated the job so much I wasn’t willing to put in the effort; regardless, it was tough.

Everyday I used to walk out of the office at the end of my shift around 8pm, stressed to the max.  Almost every night I used to go for dinner with a good friend of mine who worked in the production side of the business. Every night this poor guy would hear my daily rants, and offer an ear.  But one day he decided to lend some words as well, and I will never forget this exchange:

HIM– “So let’s say you don’t hit your numbers this month, and let’s say you don’t hit your numbers for the next
3 months… what’s the worst that can happen?”

ME–   “Are you drunk? I’ll get fired”

HIM– “So..?”

ME– What do you mean so? I. Will. Be Fired.”

HIM– “So you find another job? Its just money.  Its not like they’re going to kill you.”

Of course, this got a good laugh out of both of us, and quickly defused my anxiety.

We discussed the topic a little more, as I had a really tough time wrapping my head around his, “It’s just money” comment, but in the end, he was right.

The rest of the night was spent in a totally stress-free state of mind as my friend and I decided at 26 years old, to find ourselves a couple Bounty Ice Cream bars, an arcade, and just have some fun. It was a great night.  One that we gladly repeated various times throughout our working together.

The next day, I went back to work.   And surprise surprise, I never did get fired.  However, six months later, at the height of my earning potential, I was so unhappy there, I quit.   Remember… it’s just money.

I think its too easy for a lot of us in western society, especially of us that are in the middle, or upper middle-class, to lose our perspective and sight of what’s really important.

Lets take me for example: With my new business, I have done pretty well for myself in the past year.  In 2010 I am proud to say I achieved an income above six-figures and an independent lifestyle, which was my short-term goal.

So that probably, give or take, puts me in the richest top 2% of the entire world.  If you’re reading this, you are probably in that 2% as well, if not the top 5%… OF THE WORLD!

There are billions of people on our planet that each and every day, wake up, and they don’t know if they’re going to make it to the end of the day.

Some don’t know where their next meal is coming from, how they’re going to feed their children, or if, in their entire lifetimes they will be able to know what it feels like to live in a country without war and oppression.

My biggest problem today was that my wonderful girlfriend and I couldn’t figure out how to schedule our evening.  Dinner? Movie? Dinner and a Movie? Go to a show? No, maybe a club? Maybe some sexy time later?

So to face this brutal challenge, I made myself a sandwich, read a book, took a nap, and when I woke up it was sorted out.   Geez, what a nightmare that was.

Sure, that’s a light problem day, but even on my worst days, things are still relatively, pretty awesome.

I know it sounds hilarious, and that’s simply because the dichotomy of our world is so completely absurd that our initial reaction is to laugh… but let’s be serious, it’s pretty fucked up.

We have billions of human beings that cannot afford a $1 hamburger and don’t have access to clean water. And yet, instead of finding ways to help our own species survive, there are people out there who spend the better part of their days lobbying governments against the right for two people of the same gender that love each other from getting married.  I mean, where are our sensibilites?  And that’s just one example of a group of people that are waaaay too numerous for us to consider our society ‘civilized’.

Also, maybe we could dial down the importance of ESPN SportsCenter’s highlights and start understanding that professional athletes are, in reality, much less important than your local garbage man.    What was that? Did I see the amazing game last night? No, I didn’t, sorry, maybe I’ll catch one of the next 3000 that are on TV this month.

We get so overcome with the benality of life that we give the most unimportant decisions, events, and issues too much gravity in our lives.

Does it really matter if your fancy watch is real or fake? (does it make the time move any slower?)

Whats the matter? I can’t get my TV in a 48″ plasma, I have to take the 42″ instead? What a tragedy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still get bent out of shape for the stupidest of things too, but I do try REALLY hard to not get sucked into the idiocy that surrounds us all.

These big issues are difficult for any of us to focus on, but maybe if we all just had a little more perspective, or perhaps a touch better grasp on things in our lives that really do matter, we could stop spending our time with all this other bullshit.

Because the reality is, for most of us, we need to relax.  They can’t kill us…

Yes, I am aware that critiquing parents is almost as frowned upon as critiquing the overweight and any part of the clergy but it needs to be done.  And at the same time you parents have to stop defending yourselves with, “You’ll understand when you have children.” That’s not a defense. In fact, your lack of  an explanation and the 5 year old you’re currently dragging by the shirt through Wal-Mart is further proof that not everyonewho can be a parent, should be.

Opportunity is not an indicator of ability.

When did we start equating parenthood with borderline sainthood, or that reproducing is blanketly a positive step in life?  Like in the movie, if a parent has a gun to their head their immediate defense is,

“Please no, I have 2 children!”.

Ya… aaaaaand?

Who’s to say those two children wouldn’t be better off without you passing on your undying love of the NFL and knack for getting out of speeding tickets?    I think this is just another case of human beings considering themselves a lot more important than they actually are.

In many cases, aside from the monetary support, if you manage to succeed in helping your child speak in and understand full sentences, I’m pretty sure YouTube could take them the rest of the way.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying parenting is easy, if anything I’d say its one of the most difficult jobs on the planet… just like being a neuro surgeon is a very difficult job. The only difference, is that not everyone with brain, a microscope, and a sharp knife can become a neuro surgeon.  If only procreation had such barriers to entry I think we would all be a lot better off.

I’ve had these views for a while, but lately I’ve just seen too many parents that simply put their kid on display like a new purse, or act like they should receive a humanitarian award for having unprotected sex.

Tell me if I’m wrong, but the job description isn’t simply to help prepare this new child to live in and understand the world that you grew up in, its to thrive in the world that they will grow into.

I had a conversation with a friend’s wife recently, who I think is a great mom, and we discussed how difficult it is to keep up with a curious infant. And what we came to conclude, is that human beings from birth to death are just trying to answer the question,

“So how the hell does this life thing work?”

Our curiosities begins with the necessities of eating, talking, listening, and moving, then evolves throughout our lives into more age relevant topics.

-Relationships
-Sex
-Work/Personal Fulfillment
-Understanding ourselves and our own minds

The list is forever changing and forever growing, but it all starts from when we were kids.

So after this discussion with my friend, I think it makes me even more crazy when I hear a child being yelled at or hit (this is the worst) in the mall and their only reasoning is, “No!”  or “Bad!”

Kind of like hitting a dog on the nose with a newspaper for wizzing all over the new rug.  Dogs cannot understand us, nor can we teach them to, but why do we allow this to be translated into successful parenting?

So, if you happen to be, or will be a parent one day, remember that you are the 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, permanent Earth tour guide to your offspring. What you put in, is what you will get out. And yes, if your child turns out to be a serial killer…it is absolutely your fault.

And if you don’t like (or understand) the job description, or just want something to show off to your friends, maybe you should get a Labradoodle instead.

I was in Toronto this past weekend celebrating a friend’s 30th birthday, and everytime we would turn on the television or pick up a paper I would see a smattering of articles and photos about Tiger Woods and the low impact, non-critical, car accident he was involved in on Thursday evening.

When I first saw the report on CNN, I watched for a couple minutes, they announced Tiger was not in critical condition, and so I changed the channel to probably something like Mad Men.  No big deal.

Umm.. wrong.

Apparently, its the biggest deal ever.

Apparently, the fate of the world is now resting on the fidelity and personal life of Tiger Woods.

Wait a minute? It doesn’t?!?  Well then why the hell does anybody care about this?

So Tiger Woods was in a car accident? Umm… WHO CARES?!?

So Tiger Woods possibly cheated on his wife… is anyone really surprised? Is this the first spouse to ever be unfaithful?

The media and interest in this subject is completely unbelievable to me. When will people wake up and stop assigning any sort of importance to professional athletes?

THIS article is a perfect example of the idocy and general uselessness of athletes.  Ron Artest admits to drinking Hennessey at  half time during NBA regular season games.  I can’t even decide what’s dumber, the fact that he drank during games, or the fact that he is now admitting it publicly.

The deep fascination with sports and athletes continues to boggle my mind, however Tiger-mania has certainly taken the cake recently.

Tiger Woods is just like everyone else, except he has millions of adoring fans, millions of dollars and a publicist.  The fact that he has to apologize to people for his private actions is appalling.  It doesn’t matter if Tiger Woods is sleeping with a harem of women outside of his marriage, he’s not, and never claimed to be a moral authority.

He’s just a dude that hits a tiny ball, into a tiny hole, over miles and miles of wasted green space.

I find this sort of literature extremely fascinating and with every article I feel I come one step closer to actually disconstructing each one of my own habits (good or bad). 

As I was reading at Starbucks the other day, making my way through yet another wonderful issue of Scientific American Mind, I thought of a brand new study I would love for some research neurologists to undertake.  I am honestly fascinated and painfully confused about how the brain malfunctions at such a high level that it allows someone to go out and actually purchase a HUMMER.

This study would be specifically geared towards people living within the city limits, or even those living in the suburbs, because its these gems that really need their head’s checked.

In case, those of you reading this happen to never have seen a Hummer, here’s a photo.  Yes, its ridiculous.

These vehicles were originally designed and built for the military, but even as far back as 1992 GM began bulding civilian models to sell in the retail market.   Because obviously, if these machines are good enough for the sand dunes in Kuwait, they’re good enough to drop off Sally and Alex at a soccer game in suburban Conneticut. 

I can almost guarantee that this idea came from some idiot son of a PTSD’d Gulf War Veteran who decided to go into marketing instead of enlist in the army.  His way of making daddy proud.

Officially, on the record, I consider anyone that drives a Hummer an automatic Asshole. 

Remember Monopoly, “Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200. You’re an asshole.”

NOBODY NEEDS ONE OF THESE VEHICLES. 

The worst is when I used to work on Bay St. in Toronto, Ontario Canada.  

Bay St. is Canada’s Wall Street. It’s a 2×2 street with fairly narrow lanes. It would be an off week if I could leave the office for lunch and not see some yellow Hummer with two wheels parked up on the curb and the owner no where to be found.  My guess was its usually some investment banker/ stock broker who thinks he owns every road in the Province just because he pretends to understand complex Derivatives. 

Be it Bay St. in Toronto or The Avenue of the Americas in New York City, these streets are made for compact to midsized cars, and yet people are driving Hummers within these cities like they’re securing checkpoints in Fallujah.

The people that drive Hummers seem to have such an ever-reaching need for that sensation of “power” that they only feel comfortable in their own skin if they’re driving around in a “mobile bank vault” as mention in an article in Wired.com

The Wired.com article states that not only are Hummer owners enormously arrogant buffoons, but they also receive almost FIVE TIMES more traffic tickets than any other driver. 

 Read that article —> HERE

And why are the Hummers ALWAYS yellow?

I mean, you’re driving a Hummer.  Do you really need to stand out even more?

You’re driving a huge vehicle that looks like it could take out a rhinoceros and that doesn’t make  enough of a statement for you? 

If you’re really THAT starved for attention why don’t you just go ahead and crucify someone and strap them to the roof . Trust me, you’ll be the talk of the town.

So for all of you sensible people out there, do me a favour please. If you ever hear your friend, child, sibling, cousin, nephew, godson, brother-in-law, spouse, or anyone else you know mention how they’re considering buying a Hummer, sit them down for a moment and have a little chat.

Feel free to slap them around if necessary, and highly recommend that they purchase a vehicle for use in regular society and take the difference in price and invest in some therapy and self-help books.   Because in reality, if you’re driving around in a monster vehicle like a Hummer without having any real need or use for it (farming, raising horses, military exercises, hunting terrorists, etc.) you need to stop worrying about size, and start checking out the rearview mirror, because something in there has gone terribly wrong.