In case you haven’t heard, Michael Jackson died. Yes, it sucks, and I am actually having moments of sadness lately in knowing that Michael will never recover from the scandal that plagued the majority of his career.  But alas, life moves on.

Last night I had myself a date, or more of an outing with a friend from the past.  This is a girl I met over a year ago, and we hadn’t seen one another for a while so we arranged to get together to hang out a bit. Nothing dastardly, go watch a movie, have some drinks, and basically just kill some time together.

Where the plot thickens my friends is that this girl is a serious Christian.  For those of you that know me well, or have been following this blog I know you’re already laughing and looking forward to the rest of this story. God bless you.

Michael Jackson and Pope John Paul

For those in the cheap seats, this is funny because I am a very secular guy. I don’t say there isn’t a God, I basically don’t discuss it. I  just find its a moot point. As for religion, I’m not a fan.  So the fact that this girl and I are friends at all is rather remarkable in its own right, especially since its like she comes to hang out with me just to argue and make snide christ-y comments as if at any moment I’ll break down into tears about how she’s saved me and I’ve seen the light.  I find it kind of funny.  Like when it comes up that I am not drinking for 30 days, she says (all quotes in this article are as accurate as possible yet not verbatim of course), “Is it because you’ve never given up anything for lent so you feel the need to make up for it now?”

This is where I quite correctly respond, “Or maybe I’m just able to make my own decisions instead of taking orders from the church. Besides, I do give up something for lent every year: church.”

Its this back and forth that is quite possibly why I also enjoy hanging out with her. For the sake of this post, and because at one point last night I called her Sister Mary Agnes, let’s call my friend “Mary”.

Mary and I had some time to kill before the movie so we jumped into a restaurant to have a few drinks.  Her with a vodka something and myself with a huge barrel sized mug of soda water and lime.  I guess at restaurants if you don’t drink they want to make it known to everyone around you. Thanks Kelseys.

We start our conversation on the benign and it leads into Michael Jackson, not sure how. It might be because it was on the news, or someone was talking about it, or more possibly, because its all I have spoken about since I heard he died. So as we begin, I mention a few of the songs that I like and how I think Michael Jackson is the last great musical icon I believe we’ll ever see in our lifetime. I continue to stating its too bad in the past ten years he’s been dragged through the mud by the media.

At this point, I’m not even sure I was even speaking to her or just speaking out loud to affirm my love of Michael to the world(this must be my grieving process).  Then its at this point that the conversation takes a turn for the worst.

“I don’t know how anyone could ever possibly idolize a person like Michael Jackson after what he did to those children” and she said a person as if we had just been discussing Ted Bundy or Osama Bin Laden.

At this point I thankfully thought, WWMJD, and decided against pouring my drink on her and I would instead listen to her point on the matter.
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I know I’ve sworn a fair bit on this blog, but I’m not ready to openly curse in my titles yet.

Lately, as I read the newspaper, turn on the TV, eavesdrop on someone’s heated conversation in line at a store, or basically inform myself at all on what the rest of the world is doing I find I’m constantly asking myself the same question… “Who gives a shit?”

Seriously, it seems all sorts of media are doing their best to provide me with as much useless, misleading, and unhelpful information as possible throughout the course of my day.  I understand a lot of this is just my personal preference of stuff I really just don’t care about, and some of it is just out and out trash.  So here is the short list of things I’ve recently been underwhelmed with learning about.

#7  Swine Flu

Don’t take a new flu and call it a pandemic unless its actually killing more people then the actual FLU. Influenza numero uno. L’original flu. Mr. Flu.

Every year the actual real deal human to human flu kills thousands of people across the continent, and how much do we hear about that? zilch.

Now all of a sudden a pig sneezes in Mexico and the media is acting like Earth has been hurled directly into the sun.  The only time I’d like to be notified  about a health crisis in Mexico is when I go to a travel agent looking for a vacation.

“I’m looking for a 4-star all-inclusive beach front property along the Mayan Riviera or maybe somewhere in Cancun”

“Actually Mike, right now Mexico is trying to contain something called Swing Flu which has apparently killed a few hundred people so far”

“Fair enough, thanks for letting me know.  Let’s check out Cuba or the islands”

See, that’s all I really need to know.  Other than that, go to work, go to the ball game, just for chrissakes wash your hands, don’t sneeze in my face and we’ll all have to wait for another reason the world will end.

#6 Who Madonna is trying to adopt?

I could give a shit if she chartered a plane to Poortown, Kenya,  filled it up with as many children as possible and brought it back to the US to start her own Olympic track team.  The woman is trying to save children from what is likely a life expectancy of no more than twelve years old, leave her alone, give her whatever she wants, and move onto another story. Unless it involves…

#5 What the Pope Thinks About Sex?

Here is another prime example of society looking to the wrong people for answers.

If I want advice on who to clean feces from my Honda engine, I go to a mechanic. If I need to know my rights on throwing a city counselor down a flight of stairs, I head over to a lawyer’s office. Or, if I’m just looking to screw a group of people out of their money I’ll call a stock broker. Experts people! Look towards the experts.  But if I’m looking for any advice on sex, the last person I’d be talking to is a priest, let alone THE priest.

The only thing news worthy the current pope has done is when he recently went to Africa and told the entire Christian population that condoms are not the answer to the AIDS virus and that they actually make it worse.  No joke.

Read About That Genius Move —–> HERE

Now the only reason that is news worthy is because it should serve as an underlying disclaimer to anyone and everyone reading said news article that this pope is a crazy old man who shouldn’t be trusted with a microphone.  He could possibly have just sent back AIDS progress in Africa 20 years…Amen father.

The only sex-related topic the pope should be commenting on is the rampant amount of gay sex going on between the clergy the alter boys, but of course, he’s decided to sit that topic out.  Next thing you know his Pope-i-ness will be in Men’s Health telling me which position brings me closer to god, missionary or doggy.  I’d vote doggy as its possible for parties involved to look like they’re praying. (You heard it hear first folks)

#4 The NHL Playoffs

I understand this is a huge source of pleasure and interest for many people….I  just don’t give a shit.  Call me if the Bruins make the Stanley Cup Championships and they’ve already won 3 games and 2 periods.  But not on a Wednesday, I’m watching Lost.

#3 The NBA Playoffs

See above. But only call me if Kobe or LeBron have to play an entire game by themselves, 5 on 1 for four quarters.  I’d watch that.

#2 What The Obamas Are Wearing, Eating, or Listening To?

This is also getting out of hand. So let me set everyone straight. I could give a shit if Barack wears his pajamas into a session of Congress, and hammer pants to a meeting with the DoD, its what transpires in those meetings that interests me. And I could care even less if Michelle Obama is wearing a Carmen Miranda headress with clown shoes and smoking a cigar. None of this qualifies as important. Nor is what they ate for dinner, or what is on their iPod.

I also super doubly don’t care about their family dog, not even a little

The only way these topics become significant is if the Obamas start wearing Nazi symbols on their clothing, listening to Al Qaeda audio training guides, and they eat the family dog.

If none of the above happen, you guessed it, I don’t give a shit.

Now last and most certainly least:

#1 Miss California’s View on Gay Marriage or Anything Other Than Christian Breast Implants

First of all, this has nothing to do with her actual view on gay marriage (although it is ridiculous and completed wrong) but its that someone is giving this flakey and logically inconsistent pageant contestant any significance at all.  This girl defends herself with on a platform that she is being attacked for her beliefs and wishes everyone was just more tolerant and accepting of other people.  Remember, this is coming from the person who told the press she thinks satan was testing her, and god speaks to her in her mind about homosexuals being sinners (i am paraphrasing), oh how tolerant she is.

I’d actually like to apologize, because perhaps I shouldn’t be attacking such a noble and pure woman. I mean, how gracious this wonderful girl is to take time out of her wonderfully righteous and spiritual life to grace us with her near naked body in a pageant of such tolerance and love.  Because if Jesus were around today, if there’s anything he would be in favour of, it would be a beauty pageant.  What else could be more important?

This girl should have had no more of a platform to speak about her view on gay marriage than I have this blog to speak mine.

I usually don’t watch Keith Olbermann, but this is a funny piece about the whole Miss California nonsense.

So I’m minding my own business at home this morning making a new concoction for breakfast. I decided to go with a two fried egg sandwich, with chedder cheese, salami, and a peanut butter spread.  It was the first time trying salami with peanut butter so I was excited to devour my creation (thumbs up).  I saunter into the living room for my five minutes of eating and throw on the television just to hear some noise in the room.

The first thing I see is Maury Povich and some dude crying about how he has to tell his daughter she might not be his, I groan and move on, searching for a headline of interest.  Then I see something interesting,

“Privileged Woman Gather at Michael Kors Event To Discuss How The Recession Has Impacted Their Shopping”

This is why I don’t turn on the TV unless I have some specific to watch.  Too many ways to be reminded of how messed up some people are.

The entire Michael Kors event, granted, is a great move by Kors.  Invite all of these Sex and the City sheep out for a “discussion on the economy” and make sure they leave with six new outfits in the meatime.  So I can’t blame Kors, well played Sir.

But one of the women they interviewed was a piece of work, so I’m assuming she was the easy favourite to feature on screen.  She is the type of woman who likely has children at home being raised by a team of eastern European nannies because at one point in her life she believed having a baby would be the perfect accessory, or perhaps all of her friends had “one” and she wanted one too. Oh those Joneses, so hard to keep up with sometimes.

This fashionista went on to tell everyone watching at home how much she just loves fashion and how devastated she’s been with this economy oh please, please tell us how you’ve suffered.

Her husband, she whines, has decided to keep her under house arrest and no longer allows her to fly to Paris anymore for shopping trips. What a Monster that man must be. But she just claims to love fashion so much that this economy has been tough on her, that its been so difficult to not go out and buy more because of the limits her husband has put on her lately.

But to her credit she is trying to come up with ideas to make it possible for her to shop more, “I think maybe my husband will just have to do another deal soon.”  What a problem solver

Thankfully the female reporter had enough balls to suggest another course of action, “Or maybe you could go get yourself a job?”  The look of disgust on that botoxed face was priceless.

For those of you that are religious I’d appreciate it you started lighting candles and praying for her husband.