It was Friday night and I had promised a good friend of mine I would attend his little cousin’s stag and doe to support her engagement. So around 9pm he picks me up, and somewhere along the 45min drive from my house to Niagara Falls I swear we passed through a black hole sending us reeling through time.

On the ride over, I figure perhaps I should ask a little bit about the bride and groom since I’ll be spending the next 3 hours around their closest family and friends. As it turns out, the happy couple are both 19 years old, both attending post-secondary school and somehow they also both thought getting married was a good idea. After discovering this valuable piece of information I think my next question was valid, “So, after they’re married how exactly do they get back to 1964 where they can start working the land and raising cattle?” As I think the last time getting married at 19 was a good idea it probably cost 37 cents to fill up your gas tank.

Now let me make two things crystal clear; Firstly, they seem like two wonderful people, with great families and I wish them all the best and hopefully a very long long life together. However, now that that’s said, I think they’re both out of their minds. Sure, maybe its just me (which is likely) but getting married while you are in university seems insane.

University is typically the time people learn about themselves, their passions and interests, and start realizing…oh shit, this life thing ain’t as easy as I thought. I know I certainly was a different person between my first year of university and my graduation ceremony (and I’m not just saying that because my liver was likely severely damaged after those 4 years). I can’t imagine having to juggle essays, finals, study groups, pub crawls, and homecoming all at the same time as entering into the grand institution of marriage.

And to quickly point out the elephant in the room, yes, being with only ONE person for your entire life… wow. I guess that was cool when life expectancy was 17 or 18, but if you’ve been having sex with the same person since you were 18 years old how do you plan to spice things up after 30 years and you’re both only 50. I think its safe to say for their 40th anniversary there could be some mild bestiality involved. Its hard not to get excited when new species are introduced into the equation.

But to be my own devil’s advocate for a moment, perhaps its not THAT bad of an idea (I’m talking about the early marriage thing again, stop thinking about bestiality everyone). From my personal experiences and those of my single friends, it seems after we’ve dated someone for a significant amount of time and things do not work out, we move onto our next relationship looking for the good things we’ve seen in past partners and sprinting away from the terrible traits we have endured. For example, I will never again date a girl that thinks it is okay to use Ketchup as a suitable replacement for pasta sauce (what a nightmare). Live and Learn.

As my friends and I have been dating, comparing, and sourcing out the perfect mate, the Romeo and Juliet of my story may just effectively grow into one another where us 28 year old singles may have become a touch jaded along the way. I remember the first girl I thought I was in love with in highschool, she was smart, funny, engaging, interesting, and most importantly she felt the same way. But as fate would have it, I broke up with that girl because I was afraid I would be cheating myself out of a great university experience if I spent all my time running back home for “love”. I cannot say I regret that decision because university was indeed the time of my life, but whose to say how life would have turned out if I would have followed my heart.

That’s the reason you never forget your first love, since there was nothing and no one else to compare them to they were truly the best of everything. And that, just can’t happen twice. Just another pure example of ignorance being the ultimate ingredient for bliss.

Well look how that goes, I’ve completely spun my own view around to the point that I’m nearly standing in my room applauding these two pups for taking their puppy love down the aisle. And though current studies show couples that get married at 30 years and older seem to have a lower rate of divorce, I think these two might have a chance at the long haul. A lot of people get married, because they’re simply “ready to settle down”, “its getting time to have kids”, or “I’m sick and tired of the dating scene” and their partners seem to be merely a matter of timing, in the case of these two young star crossed lovers, it appears they’re really only getting married for one thing…. because they’re in love.

To young love.

I’m not referring to the Adam Sandler movie, I’m talking about that drunken groomsman who’s had 12 shots of Whiskey and starts thinking his rendition of Endless Love is finally good enough for a prime time audience.

When it comes to being a wedding guest the question that seems to plague us all is,

“How drunk am I really allowed to get?”

Now I’m going to answer this for those of us with little or no dependence on alcohol and who actually care about not making total and complete asses of ourselves. The rest of you are the ones that I must thank for making us look great in comparison.

I say the rule of thumb should be never be the drunkest guest at the wedding. Always aim for about 4th or 5th to be safe.

Check out the guests all day. You can usually spot who’s going to be hittin’ the sauce hard when the dinner starts. Like the old Irish uncle that’s been sneaking swigs from his flask since the 9am ceremony, the nephew that’s drinking wine from a mason jar, and certainly the maid of honour that just realized she’s 34 and not even close to getting married. If somehow you manage to get drunker than these 3 examples you’re surely to be spoken of and laughed at during every anniversary the bride and groom ever have.

As for the wedding party, I think its safe to be as drunk as the bride and groom. Or in this picture, maybe a little drunker, as long as you’re doing your best impression of what seems to be excessive constipation and hemorrhoid pain all while saving a horse and riding a cowboy to keep the crowd entertained.

Other factors that may come into play are things like what kind of wedding you’re at, and is there an open bar.   If it is in fact an irish or scottish gathering with an open bar, I think its safe to say let the fun begin, because having partied with these people before you’re going to have to put in some serious time to get anywhere close to 4th or 5th drunkest.  If you’re in the top 15 at one of these weddings make sure nobody gets you on camera.

But on the other hand, if you happen to be a guest at a mormon wedding…well, lets just say that without alcohol acting as the social lubricant for the evening it’ll be a different experience.

All in all I think its just important to stay within your personal limits and have a lot of fun.  Once you start requesting songs from the DJ in your head and dancing to them in the men’s bathroom, it may be time to take a break a hit the midnight buffet for a much deserved  coffee break.

Or if you’re like me and function much better with only a touch of whiskey, find the nearest Maid of Honour and ride her into the reception. YEEE HAWWW!!!