I find this sort of literature extremely fascinating and with every article I feel I come one step closer to actually disconstructing each one of my own habits (good or bad).
As I was reading at Starbucks the other day, making my way through yet another wonderful issue of Scientific American Mind, I thought of a brand new study I would love for some research neurologists to undertake. I am honestly fascinated and painfully confused about how the brain malfunctions at such a high level that it allows someone to go out and actually purchase a HUMMER.
This study would be specifically geared towards people living within the city limits, or even those living in the suburbs, because its these gems that really need their head’s checked.
In case, those of you reading this happen to never have seen a Hummer, here’s a photo. Yes, its ridiculous.
These vehicles were originally designed and built for the military, but even as far back as 1992 GM began bulding civilian models to sell in the retail market. Because obviously, if these machines are good enough for the sand dunes in Kuwait, they’re good enough to drop off Sally and Alex at a soccer game in suburban Conneticut.
I can almost guarantee that this idea came from some idiot son of a PTSD’d Gulf War Veteran who decided to go into marketing instead of enlist in the army. His way of making daddy proud.
Officially, on the record, I consider anyone that drives a Hummer an automatic Asshole.
Remember Monopoly, “Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200. You’re an asshole.”
NOBODY NEEDS ONE OF THESE VEHICLES.
The worst is when I used to work on Bay St. in Toronto, Ontario Canada.
Bay St. is Canada’s Wall Street. It’s a 2×2 street with fairly narrow lanes. It would be an off week if I could leave the office for lunch and not see some yellow Hummer with two wheels parked up on the curb and the owner no where to be found. My guess was its usually some investment banker/ stock broker who thinks he owns every road in the Province just because he pretends to understand complex Derivatives.
Be it Bay St. in Toronto or The Avenue of the Americas in New York City, these streets are made for compact to midsized cars, and yet people are driving Hummers within these cities like they’re securing checkpoints in Fallujah.
The people that drive Hummers seem to have such an ever-reaching need for that sensation of “power” that they only feel comfortable in their own skin if they’re driving around in a “mobile bank vault” as mention in an article in Wired.com
The Wired.com article states that not only are Hummer owners enormously arrogant buffoons, but they also receive almost FIVE TIMES more traffic tickets than any other driver.
Read that article —> HERE
And why are the Hummers ALWAYS yellow?
I mean, you’re driving a Hummer. Do you really need to stand out even more?
You’re driving a huge vehicle that looks like it could take out a rhinoceros and that doesn’t make enough of a statement for you?
If you’re really THAT starved for attention why don’t you just go ahead and crucify someone and strap them to the roof . Trust me, you’ll be the talk of the town.
So for all of you sensible people out there, do me a favour please. If you ever hear your friend, child, sibling, cousin, nephew, godson, brother-in-law, spouse, or anyone else you know mention how they’re considering buying a Hummer, sit them down for a moment and have a little chat.
Feel free to slap them around if necessary, and highly recommend that they purchase a vehicle for use in regular society and take the difference in price and invest in some therapy and self-help books. Because in reality, if you’re driving around in a monster vehicle like a Hummer without having any real need or use for it (farming, raising horses, military exercises, hunting terrorists, etc.) you need to stop worrying about size, and start checking out the rearview mirror, because something in there has gone terribly wrong.
Shit,
I drive an Avalanche. Am I on the shortlist too? I won’t be offended, I just planted trees yesterday so my rear-view yields satisfactory images. But seriously, are trucks fun anymore or is this a ‘Hummer’s only’ post? Or are we talking gas-guzzler’s in general – which actually makes me laugh. Because most people only think about gas as the main form of pollution; i.e. poor fuel mileage = environment waster vs good fuel mileage = env’t saver. Kills me that people live ‘green’ then do things like FLY 3-4x more than the average person. The carbon footprint caused by one person traveling on a commercial flight will offset the difference between in gas mileage between a hybrid and a SUV for at least one year.
I’m not justifying my vehicle, I think we should do all we can to save the planet, I’m just giving food for thought. However I want to hear the truth – are SUV’s different from Hummer’s, or in the same league but with milder outrage? PS – I agree about the Hummer’s. I get the idea of driving one being fun, but to spend more money on a car with sad 4×4 system, $1500/year more on gas and 2x the upkeep compared to most SUVs – it would have been cheaper to get the penile implant.
haha.
The rear view bit was more geared toward the Hummer driver persona, as I’m certainly not taking the gas guzzling stance. I completely agree with your point on the matter. Mind you flying is a little different, necessity wise, than driving. Its completely practical and possible to choose to drive a smaller car, or a hybrid vehicle, but if you happen to fly a lot you can’t just go ahead and take the train across the country (or ocean) instead as a viable alternative. You’re going apples to watermelons on that one, but I do see and agree with your point.
I’m certainly not painting all SUV’s with the same brush, this is for the most part a Hummer-centric view, and geared toward Hummer-specific drivers. I read that the Tahoe is almost the same size as the Hummer, but it certainly attracts a different type of person.
and the funny part is that you and your Avalanche never even crossed my mind until now, but now that I think about it.; you’re not married, no kids, no heavy cargo to lug around, you live in a suburban area and spend your free time typically driving in cities opposed to the countryside…. maybe this is something for you to consider. lol
But in my opinion Steve-O, I already have you firmly locked on the shortlist of “my kind of asshole” as it stands, but who knows, perhaps your Avalanche is the crossroads before your next car. Audi or Lexus Hybrid or Hummer Helicopter.
btw- that penile implant line was beautiful. too funny.
Thanks Mike,
I’m my kind of asshole too. Wanna hear something funny – regarding hybrids, Transport Canada issued a statement (that I cannot confirm, but remember hearing on the news) that Hybrid cars have yet to have a positive impact on the environment. Similar to recycling in many regions – people simply think that since the end result is more fuel efficiency (or re-using materials) its got to be better for the environment, right? Wrong. The costs and additional workload/materials/costs/transportation needed to make hybrids (and recycling) actually costs more money and actually has a more detremential effect on the environment that is not offset by the gains in green capacity.
So the next time you hear someone buying a Hybrid, chances are they have spent more money for a fuel efficient car that killed more trees to make than the Civic beside it.
Interesting, to me at least.
I love the Avalanche, but I’m keeping my eyes open for a used Audi A4 2.0T in the near future. Living on an island I was in truck-deprivation mode, but now I’m home I can verify you don’t need all that metal to go to Starbucks and back.
Steve-O