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Humming The Wrong Tune

Posted by on August 24, 2009
Lately, the last year or so, I’ve been doing a lot of reading regarding brain science and why we function as we do.

I find this sort of literature extremely fascinating and with every article I feel I come one step closer to actually disconstructing each one of my own habits (good or bad). 

As I was reading at Starbucks the other day, making my way through yet another wonderful issue of Scientific American Mind, I thought of a brand new study I would love for some research neurologists to undertake.  I am honestly fascinated and painfully confused about how the brain malfunctions at such a high level that it allows someone to go out and actually purchase a HUMMER.

This study would be specifically geared towards people living within the city limits, or even those living in the suburbs, because its these gems that really need their head’s checked.

In case, those of you reading this happen to never have seen a Hummer, here’s a photo.  Yes, its ridiculous.

hummers

These vehicles were originally designed and built for the military, but even as far back as 1992 GM began bulding civilian models to sell in the retail market.   Because obviously, if these machines are good enough for the sand dunes in Kuwait, they’re good enough to drop off Sally and Alex at a soccer game in suburban Conneticut. 

I can almost guarantee that this idea came from some idiot son of a PTSD’d Gulf War Veteran who decided to go into marketing instead of enlist in the army.  His way of making daddy proud.fuhummer

Officially, on the record, I consider anyone that drives a Hummer an automatic Asshole. 

Remember Monopoly, “Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200. You’re an asshole.”

NOBODY NEEDS ONE OF THESE VEHICLES. 

The worst is when I used to work on Bay St. in Toronto, Ontario Canada.  

Bay St. is Canada’s Wall Street. It’s a 2×2 street with fairly narrow lanes. It would be an off week if I could leave the office for lunch and not see some yellow Hummer with two wheels parked up on the curb and the owner no where to be found.  My guess was its usually some investment banker/ stock broker who thinks he owns every road in the Province just because he pretends to understand complex Derivatives. 

Be it Bay St. in Toronto or The Avenue of the Americas in New York City, these streets are made for compact to midsized cars, and yet people are driving Hummers within these cities like they’re securing checkpoints in Fallujah.

The people that drive Hummers seem to have such an ever-reaching need for that sensation of “power” that they only feel comfortable in their own skin if they’re driving around in a “mobile bank vault” as mention in an article in Wired.com

The Wired.com article states that not only are Hummer owners enormously arrogant buffoons, but they also receive almost FIVE TIMES more traffic tickets than any other driver. 

 Read that article —> HERE

And why are the Hummers ALWAYS yellow?

I mean, you’re driving a Hummer.  Do you really need to stand out even more?

You’re driving a huge vehicle that looks like it could take out a rhinoceros and that doesn’t make  enough of a statement for you? 

If you’re really THAT starved for attention why don’t you just go ahead and crucify someone and strap them to the roof . Trust me, you’ll be the talk of the town.

So for all of you sensible people out there, do me a favour please. If you ever hear your friend, child, sibling, cousin, nephew, godson, brother-in-law, spouse, or anyone else you know mention how they’re considering buying a Hummer, sit them down for a moment and have a little chat.

Feel free to slap them around if necessary, and highly recommend that they purchase a vehicle for use in regular society and take the difference in price and invest in some therapy and self-help books.   Because in reality, if you’re driving around in a monster vehicle like a Hummer without having any real need or use for it (farming, raising horses, military exercises, hunting terrorists, etc.) you need to stop worrying about size, and start checking out the rearview mirror, because something in there has gone terribly wrong.

Hummers Just Desserts

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